Sunday, July 10, 2011


Yesterday, I lost a close friend to cancer.

It just doesn't seem real.  In my mind, I still see her as alive as can be, before she even became sick. She is standing outside my office building on a summer afternoon, wide-eyed and smiling, waving to me. We are headed out to grab a quick coffee on our lunch break. 

That was four years ago.

In her last month or so, I saw the disease change her in ways I had not expected. But I am amazed that the spark that made her who she was, shone steady through the darkness that would ultimately overrun her body. Admittedly, I am a skeptic when it comes to matters of faith and spiritualism. However, I am convinced that this spark, which I was fortunate enough to have witnessed first hand, was in fact her awesome spirit.  

My mantra the past two days, has been reduced to three words: Life's not fair. At moments, I get glimpses of enlightenment in which I am able to see that death is not evil, it is simply a natural part of life. But these moments are fleeting, and more often than not, I am just muttering my three-word mantra inside my head. And then there have been those times when my heart races and I can hardly catch my breath. I am in a panic over the thought of never seeing her again. And I quickly put my mind on something else, for this notion is just too much to bear. 

None of this makes sense to me right now. I don't know if it ever will. No matter how much time you have to prepare, or to accept. . . something like this still hits you like a ton of bricks.

As a person with little faith in an afterlife, I doubt my friend can hear my words now. But if she could, I would thank her for all she has taught me while she was here. She showed me what it means to live selflessly, and how to put others before yourself. She taught me how to cast aside silly inhibitions and to live for the moment. And she showed me what it means to bend and not break. Through the example of her own life, she made all of this look so incredibly easy. But these are lessons I am still learning, and I shall continue to look to her for guidance, wherever she might be.

I don't know what else to say. 
My friend is gone.
My friend with the most incredible spirit you have ever seen, has left this world. 


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. So, so sorry.

  2. Oh Linda, I'm so sorry... Not really much you can say, but I think you did it eloquently. I pretty much lost any remaining religious ties when my Mom died (waaaay too young). I totally agree with you, life is not fair, and I am reminded of that on a daily basis. I guess all we can do is embrace each new day, and the people we choose to share our lives with. I think you are surrounded by good people. ♥

  3. Linda, I thought I would post here, not on FB. I understand how you feel. Death sucks. I hate to say it, but losing my dog was worse than losing my grandmother! I could not get out of bed for a long time, I cried all day and I asked why over and over.

    But then I got quiet. Then I started reading so much. And what for years I had read about death...started finally to click.

    What if you viewed all of us...all of energy?

    And that your friend's energy passed from this reality to another one...where she is absolutely still alive...because she is! And what if her life path was this...for her own reasons...that we do not know if and can't until we too, pass on. Like seeing the bigger picture finally?

    I think what helped me was to view life as a play. And we chose our parts. And like any play there are ups and downs. And when it's over, we go home...and maybe we start again...maybe we don't. But in any case, no matter what, because we are energy...we never die...we shift form.

    It's so great she was a significant part of your life, that taught you many things. Now, taker her spirit and go forward, teaching what she taught you. You are a bright bright spirit too - so keep shining - keep asking the tough questions of why and keep learning the answers to life and death and energy and spirit and God and Universe...for yourself.

    It's like the movie, The Matrix. There are two realities at play here. And she is now in one we can't go to. But always know, you will see her again, she does love you and she is with you.

    Hoe this doesn't offend you - just offering a different perspective.

  4. thanks everyone.
    it's hard. everything i'm hearing makes sense. . . but it still doesn't make it any easier. but thanks for listening to (and reading) what i have to say. it helps to get it out :)